Patterns in the Void

So, I wondered again, how is it that two people who both see themselves or define themselves or describe themselves as Intellectual, kind, loving, philosophical and compassionate, can find it so difficult to feel that connection. Not just that spark that you feel for the one you are going to love or want to love for the rest of you life but just that feeling of universal love, that feeling that the other is as much human as I. And as full of flaws- though there are no inherent flaws since there are no truths, or the right way of being, of behaving- as I.
Where was it the meaning of kindness and compassion differed between any two. Was the difference greater than the understanding of the concepts supposedly as universal as Love. Is is something one said that we did not expect? Is it someone's music choice? Is is how often one takes a shower? Or whether remembers to bring me my favorite flavor of icecream?
In the end I find myself enormously selfish to wish to mold the other the way I wish them to be. Namely, the way that makes "me" happy. But there a million ways any one person can perceive any action or word. Are we better off expecting from our husbands and wives, girlfriends and boyfriends, romantic-partners and friends things that we learned to expect from the tv-show we watched? the magazine we read? the evolutionary science article we are subscribed too? what the priest told us?
Then I find myself giving others only as much liberty of thought and action as I want for myself, which is, complete. But just because one can do something, does not mean one must do that thing. So we all have our natures and our choices. Some like to stay at home and read, some like going bungee jumping every other month, some find joy in other's company, some need just one.
As we eye a person to see how much investment of time and emotion we can make in them, how would their way of being, the way they distribute their time and energy, help me grow.