was I a different man from when I had not had that ciggarette or that shot? I had but only one brain. What had changed? The amount of serotonin or some other chemical running through my veins?
I am sure none of my friends would be able to recognize me from one state to another. But I am still me, arent I? The same body, the same brain, the same morality? Of course any kind of intoxication removes certain inhibitions but those inhibitions were mine none the less. There was a reason they were inhibitions and part of my suppressed self instead of my active consciousness and perhaps the reason was the "others", the great phantasmagoria, my mind tried to comfort itself.
But you forget, my mind spoke again, not everyone is you, and not everyone is working at the same wave length as you.
Huh.... wave length... that word had become one of my favorites and it was an easy short cut for describing how everyone perceived the world differently. But I always tried to comfort myself saying.... surely theres gotta be some common ground. But the contrary argument seemed even stronger... everyone has lived a different life and safely assuming that we are all products of our environments and our genes it would be too much to expect to have someone understand who you are.... "But I always give others second .. or third chance" my mind screamed." .... And what do you have to show for it.. I replied.. A life , a personality that no one seems to understand. Even the best of the reader has come across a character that fits who you are in this story or that .... but it is too good to be true in real life...
Stop complaining, said the shadow of my consciousness. All you want is someone to love "exclusively."... You selfish bastard. You wish to posses their souls. You want them to think only of you and of nothing else. You wish to become the primer of their life. You too, like everyone else, want the rest of the world to turn into "you"....
"NOOOO"... i screamed back. I dont. I would be too boring. I want just one. And she dont even have to be like me... in fact... she doesnt have to be like me at all...as long as she loves me.
What do you think love is huh... asked the shadow again... you think its a universal emotion dont you? Have you forgotten all the biological explanations that they have to give of love? Have you forgotten it is merely a human imperative....? almost an illusion...? that makes two people stay together long enough just so they can raise a child....isnt it just a psycholigcal crutch...? a feeling that just wants constant affirmation that you are not alone...
"stop that...." I screamed in agony..." stop giving me cold cut explanations ... stop devaluing it... stop trying to rationalize it... stop taking away the purpose of my life.. the hope.. the primer.... enough of your pessimism...I have seen its face.. it exists ... I know it... I have seen it... and so has everyone else... everyone has experienced it in one way or another... from the most commonest of man to the most enthuistic.. everyone wishes it...
"but are they ready for it? are "you" ready for it?" the shadow replied... " even if they are ready for it... do you have any way of knowing what they understand of love comes even an inch closer to what you think of it?" .... the shadow almost seemed to be enjoying my angst... " everyone loves novles and love stories.. its the lay of the land.. everyone claims to be a romantic...you have no way of knowing if what they say.. if they say it.. comes from the deepest part of their souls or just lust and loneliness verbalizing itself... what? you dont belive me...? go pick up a popular romantic novel... and then go and meet the author and you yourself will see the disparity... just because someone says they wanna be in love more than anything else doesnt mean they really know what love is..."
unfinished thought...........
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